For some reason, I always miss the U.S. the most during Thanksgiving. Maybe it's because that's the only American holiday that hasn't tried to make it's way over here yet. Maybe it's because it's grey and dreary here, and that things always start to add up during this time of the year. Maybe it's just because I need to get out of here.
Either way, this year is no different from the other. Or well, it is. This year I'm missing New York City.
I would do a lot of things to be able to take a Sunday stroll in Central Park, smell the roasted nuts on the sidewalks, bump into the strangest characters on the subway, go down to Times Square yet again,to marvel at the neon lights that never seize to impress me, have a tasti.d.lite treat down by Union Square, go shopping for apples at Trader Joe's, take Winter's contemporary morning class at STEPS on Broadway well the list is endless..
I also miss my grandma very much. I loved having a sane grandparent, who I could call, could get groceries for, care for, help with all the modern things that don't make a whole lot of sense and who'd just make me feel so incredibly loved.
Oh... Those were the days...
tisdag 27 november 2007
måndag 12 november 2007
Just once...
I have always wanted to live my life on stage in one way or another. I've tried it all, singing, dancing, acting, and well, I'm mediocre at all of those things, but nowhere close to actually doing it. For real I mean. In front of people who've paied to look at me. But wouldn't it be nice, to just once...
One time before I give it all up get to stand there in the lime light. Feel how the spotlight blinds me, and puts a shield between me and my audience. Wear that costume, be all pretty and stylish and look like I belong there. And then, hear the pianist strike a chord and know that, this is my cue. Now is the time. Feel me cheeks flush a bit, the tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach. The rush of knowing that I know this. I can do this. I can do this well. And I will baffle them, I'll make an amazing show out of this. And people will talk about it forever and I will rest peacefully at night.
One time before I give it all up get to stand there in the lime light. Feel how the spotlight blinds me, and puts a shield between me and my audience. Wear that costume, be all pretty and stylish and look like I belong there. And then, hear the pianist strike a chord and know that, this is my cue. Now is the time. Feel me cheeks flush a bit, the tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach. The rush of knowing that I know this. I can do this. I can do this well. And I will baffle them, I'll make an amazing show out of this. And people will talk about it forever and I will rest peacefully at night.
söndag 11 november 2007
A luxurious Sunday morning
I woke up yesterday without an ounze of stress in my body. Beside me was the most precious person in the world to me, still sleeping like a baby although the time was way past adult sleeping time. I got to wake him up by stroking his back, without him having a reason to get angry because it was already 11.30 - What a luxury.
We stayed in bed for a while and talked and talked and talked about how we can't give up, how we can't fight and how much he loves my cheeks and how much I love his arms. And how I have to book my tickets fast so we know for sure we'll be together again, soon. I felt loved, I felt beautiful, I felt wanted - what a luxury.
His brother opened the door and whiffed in the marvelous smell of saffron scones to the room. He said they would be ready in only five minutes, and there would be tea and marmelade and honey - What a luxury.
We went downstairs, and were greated by his mother who'd set the table with lit candles for all of us. Just to sit down, relax, eat the amazing scones (the best ones I've had I believe) and hold hands with my love and give him the occasional kiss on the cheek, and get one occasionally on the forhead - What a luxury.
We stayed in bed for a while and talked and talked and talked about how we can't give up, how we can't fight and how much he loves my cheeks and how much I love his arms. And how I have to book my tickets fast so we know for sure we'll be together again, soon. I felt loved, I felt beautiful, I felt wanted - what a luxury.
His brother opened the door and whiffed in the marvelous smell of saffron scones to the room. He said they would be ready in only five minutes, and there would be tea and marmelade and honey - What a luxury.
We went downstairs, and were greated by his mother who'd set the table with lit candles for all of us. Just to sit down, relax, eat the amazing scones (the best ones I've had I believe) and hold hands with my love and give him the occasional kiss on the cheek, and get one occasionally on the forhead - What a luxury.
Then, we looked out the window, and big, beautiful, white flakes were dancing outside of it, creating a lace-like pattern on the yet too warm ground. Classical music on the stereo accompanied them as they pirouetted around for us and made us think of Christmas - what a luxury.
To have a day like that, when nothing has to be done. When you just feel like you're welcomed, you're wanted and you're loved. To wake up knowing that you are meant to be on this earth because otherwise, this other human being next to you shouldn't be there either. To feel like you can conquer every obstacle on your chosen path, no matter how hard all of those things feel when you're alone and think of them. To know that on this very day, nothing can harm you. What a Luxury.
Priorities
Lately I feel like my life, more than ever, is labled with the line "You have to prioritate". Studying is prioritating what chapters I'm should read since you can't read them all, dancing is prioritating getting healthy or getting better technique, singing is doing that or practiacally nothing ekse.
It's a pity because I'm notoriously bad at doing just that. Making priorities that is. And whatever decision I come up with in the end is always the wrong one. On the other hand, had I made the other one, that would probably have ended up feeling just as bad. Choosing one thing over another is one thing, but neglecting one thing to be able to do another, is a different ball game.
The month of December is always a stressful one for everybody. Holiday planning, holiday shopping, holiday socializing, holiday eating, holiday feeling like one has to work off the extra pounds, end-of-school-year-studying etc.
For me it's also about getting to spend a couple of days with the man in my life who currently lives very far away, and without whom I can't function properly, trying to make enough money to afford buying people presents and to support myself for next year, giving concerts in excess because my new choir is crazy busy during Christmas time and performing in various dance recitals. Well, this year it'll only be one, but of course on the same day as I'm scheduled to have two concerts. Needless to say, I need to prioritate, because I'm only one person, and I can not be in 4 places at the same time. Although I've tried a couple of times, but it hurt pretty badly.
The problem is, all these thing are too important to me for these decisions to be easily made. I don't put one over the other, well, yes my bf is way on top of everything, but the others are tied in second place. I've made commitments to my boss, to my conductor and to my dance teacher in the beginning of the fall. And those promises requires me to be there when I'm scheduled to. To do my best, to be awake, be positive, know my steps, know my music, know the new prices on the breads and most of all be full of energy 24/7. But doing this only works as long as these things stick to their normal schedule and don't start to mess with me. Because when 1 choir practise a week becomes 7 concerts with the extra rehearsal time added - my planning falls through, and I'm pretty much a dead 21-year-old with hair too long because I haven't got the time to have it cut.
So, now, I've just realized that, since I can't just quit one anymore, I have to cut my time in even pieces, and give all of my duties a fair share. Yes, I will let people down in the process which I truly hate, because giving a 90% isn't quite my thing. But to be able to survive the month of december, this is a must. I've come to terms with not being able to give 110% to everything at all times. I have to cut myself some slack sometimes. That does, however, encompass giving 150% when I'm at the place I've made a priority that day.
So, here now I present to you my, modified schedule for december (Notice how there are a lot of days where I only have ONE thing scheduled - IMPROVEMENT!!).
1 work 9-18.30
2 concerts all day
3 cramming for final exam
4 cramming for final exam and dance
5 cramming for final exam choir rehearals and concert
6 cramming for final exam
7 final exam, dance times 2 (potentially 1 concert)
8 concert from 12 pm
9-12 go to see bf
13 (Lucia) concerts from 6am and on
14 dance and concert
15 concert
16 dance recital and concert
17-23 work 8 hr days
...and then it's Christmas...
It's a pity because I'm notoriously bad at doing just that. Making priorities that is. And whatever decision I come up with in the end is always the wrong one. On the other hand, had I made the other one, that would probably have ended up feeling just as bad. Choosing one thing over another is one thing, but neglecting one thing to be able to do another, is a different ball game.
The month of December is always a stressful one for everybody. Holiday planning, holiday shopping, holiday socializing, holiday eating, holiday feeling like one has to work off the extra pounds, end-of-school-year-studying etc.
For me it's also about getting to spend a couple of days with the man in my life who currently lives very far away, and without whom I can't function properly, trying to make enough money to afford buying people presents and to support myself for next year, giving concerts in excess because my new choir is crazy busy during Christmas time and performing in various dance recitals. Well, this year it'll only be one, but of course on the same day as I'm scheduled to have two concerts. Needless to say, I need to prioritate, because I'm only one person, and I can not be in 4 places at the same time. Although I've tried a couple of times, but it hurt pretty badly.
The problem is, all these thing are too important to me for these decisions to be easily made. I don't put one over the other, well, yes my bf is way on top of everything, but the others are tied in second place. I've made commitments to my boss, to my conductor and to my dance teacher in the beginning of the fall. And those promises requires me to be there when I'm scheduled to. To do my best, to be awake, be positive, know my steps, know my music, know the new prices on the breads and most of all be full of energy 24/7. But doing this only works as long as these things stick to their normal schedule and don't start to mess with me. Because when 1 choir practise a week becomes 7 concerts with the extra rehearsal time added - my planning falls through, and I'm pretty much a dead 21-year-old with hair too long because I haven't got the time to have it cut.
So, now, I've just realized that, since I can't just quit one anymore, I have to cut my time in even pieces, and give all of my duties a fair share. Yes, I will let people down in the process which I truly hate, because giving a 90% isn't quite my thing. But to be able to survive the month of december, this is a must. I've come to terms with not being able to give 110% to everything at all times. I have to cut myself some slack sometimes. That does, however, encompass giving 150% when I'm at the place I've made a priority that day.
So, here now I present to you my, modified schedule for december (Notice how there are a lot of days where I only have ONE thing scheduled - IMPROVEMENT!!).
1 work 9-18.30
2 concerts all day
3 cramming for final exam
4 cramming for final exam and dance
5 cramming for final exam choir rehearals and concert
6 cramming for final exam
7 final exam, dance times 2 (potentially 1 concert)
8 concert from 12 pm
9-12 go to see bf
13 (Lucia) concerts from 6am and on
14 dance and concert
15 concert
16 dance recital and concert
17-23 work 8 hr days
...and then it's Christmas...
onsdag 7 november 2007
Crime and Punishment
On the news last night and this morning, most of the discussion was about the terrible and very sad shooting at a school in Finland. 8 people were killed and apparently the murderer who was 18 years old, had threatened to commit this crime via You Tube a couple of days earlier.
How can this be? How can an 18-year-old have so much hatered in him that he/she can do a thing like this?
When this happens in a Scandinavian coutry, it really has me baffled. I don't know anything of the background of this killer/child/teenager. But I know he's Scandinavian. And I am too. Thus we've grown up in very similar societies, similar schools, we speak the same language in one way since the Finish are required to learn Swedish, some silly ancient tradition that's still around. Of course I know that a lot can happen outside the boundraries of society. A child's upbringing is in the hands of his or her parents. On the people around it and its teachers in school. But HOW can it go so wrong? How can you hate life and disrespect the lives of others to the extent that you kill 8 people before you've even turned 20?
It wasn't long ago since a 16-year-old was detained to death just a 15-minute walk from here. The boys who most likely did it grew up almost where I did, central Stockholm, and have gone to schools where friends of mine have gone. What has happened to these kids during their upbringing that made them prone to do something like this? Were they not loved sufficiently? Did they not learn that kicking somebody in the head kills people despite that they, in Computer Games, get up and walk away after a blow to the head that would've diattached it from the tendons and the spine in real life? What can have happened to these boys in their short lifetime that mark them as evil?
I'm not a believer of computer games or movies as a source for our violence today. Neither do I believe that websites like you tube, myspace and facebook make us all worse people and are dangerous. I believe in emotional neglect, depression, testosteron, adrenaline, drugs, alcohol and most of all - that we are pack animals, and in a very sad and primitive way, do what our leader tells us to do because of an innate longing for belonging.
I don't believe in people being pure evil at the age of 18. I want to have a different reason. Something that's fixable. Something that we can learn and protect our children from.
Either way, the deed is done. And now the problem is what to do with the killer. How does one handle a murder case where the killer is only a child, hardly of age? Is a prison really the place for a teenager who just destroyed the lives of so many people and through that, destroyed the life of himself? Is it going to benefit the person, make them better people, help them move on and turn around? Or is that the whole plan? To make them not want to go on? To make them want to end their lives as soon as they're discharged from the prison and ridden society from them in that form?
In that case, I support the right of execution. Why keep a person alive if they're not allowed a second chance? All prison ever does is cost society a lot of money. At least here where you can't be in for more than 12 years no matter what type of crime you're being punished for. So unless the prison is a very pedagogic and therapeutic place, once these kids come out of it, they'll be as messed up as they were when they came in, if not worse. And messed up was what brought them in there.
I guess I became political, but if ever, isn't this really the time to be political? Our society is moving towards something nightmare-like. We need to fix it fast unless we want to end up with the next generation growing up with a constant fear for being killed in school.
I think we need to love.
How can this be? How can an 18-year-old have so much hatered in him that he/she can do a thing like this?
When this happens in a Scandinavian coutry, it really has me baffled. I don't know anything of the background of this killer/child/teenager. But I know he's Scandinavian. And I am too. Thus we've grown up in very similar societies, similar schools, we speak the same language in one way since the Finish are required to learn Swedish, some silly ancient tradition that's still around. Of course I know that a lot can happen outside the boundraries of society. A child's upbringing is in the hands of his or her parents. On the people around it and its teachers in school. But HOW can it go so wrong? How can you hate life and disrespect the lives of others to the extent that you kill 8 people before you've even turned 20?
It wasn't long ago since a 16-year-old was detained to death just a 15-minute walk from here. The boys who most likely did it grew up almost where I did, central Stockholm, and have gone to schools where friends of mine have gone. What has happened to these kids during their upbringing that made them prone to do something like this? Were they not loved sufficiently? Did they not learn that kicking somebody in the head kills people despite that they, in Computer Games, get up and walk away after a blow to the head that would've diattached it from the tendons and the spine in real life? What can have happened to these boys in their short lifetime that mark them as evil?
I'm not a believer of computer games or movies as a source for our violence today. Neither do I believe that websites like you tube, myspace and facebook make us all worse people and are dangerous. I believe in emotional neglect, depression, testosteron, adrenaline, drugs, alcohol and most of all - that we are pack animals, and in a very sad and primitive way, do what our leader tells us to do because of an innate longing for belonging.
I don't believe in people being pure evil at the age of 18. I want to have a different reason. Something that's fixable. Something that we can learn and protect our children from.
Either way, the deed is done. And now the problem is what to do with the killer. How does one handle a murder case where the killer is only a child, hardly of age? Is a prison really the place for a teenager who just destroyed the lives of so many people and through that, destroyed the life of himself? Is it going to benefit the person, make them better people, help them move on and turn around? Or is that the whole plan? To make them not want to go on? To make them want to end their lives as soon as they're discharged from the prison and ridden society from them in that form?
In that case, I support the right of execution. Why keep a person alive if they're not allowed a second chance? All prison ever does is cost society a lot of money. At least here where you can't be in for more than 12 years no matter what type of crime you're being punished for. So unless the prison is a very pedagogic and therapeutic place, once these kids come out of it, they'll be as messed up as they were when they came in, if not worse. And messed up was what brought them in there.
I guess I became political, but if ever, isn't this really the time to be political? Our society is moving towards something nightmare-like. We need to fix it fast unless we want to end up with the next generation growing up with a constant fear for being killed in school.
I think we need to love.
Sleeping Beauty
For a while now I haven't been sleeping for one reason or another. Either I have been doing something at night that doesn't encompass sleeping, or I've just been unable to fall asleep because my thoughts have started to spinn around in my head and treatened to kill me.
But last night I slept. And it was the nicest sleep ever. I slept through my parents morning routines, I slept through the start of the horrible construction workers downstairs who seem to have forgotten that people sometimes sleep longer than 7.30 and that they shouldn't start working until 8. I slept through the rain pattering on my window and I slept through the evil kids outside stealing the front light of my bike and smearing gum on my hand break. (yes, they do things like that in Sweden, too)
But when I woke up I felt like I could get up. I didn't have to close my eyes one extra time and just sleep a liiittle longer because I didn't need to. I maybe stayed in bed a little longer because I'm some what trying to avert having to start learning about the immune systems all tiny little components and the Acid-Base balance and worst of all the Salt-Water balance. I know we need to maintain homeostasis, can't that be enough?
However, the power of sleep is immense. And people my age tend to forget that. I mean, I know that I'm not feeling so well if I have less than 6 hrs. of sleep, but sometimes it's like my body and my brain don't co-operate.
This weekend is one I've looked forward to for a long time. So I'd better be rested, because I have a feeling, my 8 or more hours aren't going to happen that much..
But last night I slept. And it was the nicest sleep ever. I slept through my parents morning routines, I slept through the start of the horrible construction workers downstairs who seem to have forgotten that people sometimes sleep longer than 7.30 and that they shouldn't start working until 8. I slept through the rain pattering on my window and I slept through the evil kids outside stealing the front light of my bike and smearing gum on my hand break. (yes, they do things like that in Sweden, too)
But when I woke up I felt like I could get up. I didn't have to close my eyes one extra time and just sleep a liiittle longer because I didn't need to. I maybe stayed in bed a little longer because I'm some what trying to avert having to start learning about the immune systems all tiny little components and the Acid-Base balance and worst of all the Salt-Water balance. I know we need to maintain homeostasis, can't that be enough?
However, the power of sleep is immense. And people my age tend to forget that. I mean, I know that I'm not feeling so well if I have less than 6 hrs. of sleep, but sometimes it's like my body and my brain don't co-operate.
This weekend is one I've looked forward to for a long time. So I'd better be rested, because I have a feeling, my 8 or more hours aren't going to happen that much..
tisdag 6 november 2007
What I need
So, for those of you who happened to read my last post, you've probably realized that I'm not going through such an easy time in my life right now. Nothing seems to work out the way I want it to work out. And the reason why this makes such a huge impact on my life is that I have needs.
All people have needs. As you're all familiar with, we do need to eat a sufficient amount of food every day to meet the requirements of our metabolism, to maintain homeostasis and to feel well. We also need to drink water, we need to move for real for 30 minutes a day and we should take on average 10.000 steps every day to keep our joints lubricated, our muscles functional and our body fat percentage within reasonable limits. That's what we need for our bodies to be able to do what we need them to do.
Recently I've thought a lot about my other needs. My individual needs. The needs that make me the little person I am. Many of them I've figured out while living abroad or being off on my own. And here are my conclusions.
I need control Mostly of the future. To live in the now as we say here in Sweden, is just not my thing if I'm not granted that I know what's going on a month "from the now".
I need intellectual stimulance This is something I've figured out while being off doing other things. If I'm not allowed to use my brain, I'm not happy. And if I find out my brain isn't great enough, I hate myself.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is good for something In a way that's why I can't be happy right now. I love my school and my class, but it's not getting me anywhere and that gives me a huge deal an insecurity. That's also why I'm aspiring to be a doctor one day. My job would make a difference, and I'd know WHY I went in to work every morning.
I need love And I need it not to be far away in a distant town.
I need to live close to family Doesn't mean I need to see them all the time, no thanks, but I need to know they're there and that I can go see them when I want to.
I need to learn If I stop learning by the time I've finished school, why would I live?! If you can't get better at anything, what's the motivation to survive?
I, chilishly, need affirmation I estimate my own value in my acheivments. And so, if I'm not acheiving, I'm worthless. But I also need to feel that other people appreciate me. Cause if they don't, what am I doing here?
Well, I know many of these things will have to go to make me happy. But isn't the first step towards solving a problem to recognize that the problem is, in fact, a problem?
All people have needs. As you're all familiar with, we do need to eat a sufficient amount of food every day to meet the requirements of our metabolism, to maintain homeostasis and to feel well. We also need to drink water, we need to move for real for 30 minutes a day and we should take on average 10.000 steps every day to keep our joints lubricated, our muscles functional and our body fat percentage within reasonable limits. That's what we need for our bodies to be able to do what we need them to do.
Recently I've thought a lot about my other needs. My individual needs. The needs that make me the little person I am. Many of them I've figured out while living abroad or being off on my own. And here are my conclusions.
I need control Mostly of the future. To live in the now as we say here in Sweden, is just not my thing if I'm not granted that I know what's going on a month "from the now".
I need intellectual stimulance This is something I've figured out while being off doing other things. If I'm not allowed to use my brain, I'm not happy. And if I find out my brain isn't great enough, I hate myself.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is good for something In a way that's why I can't be happy right now. I love my school and my class, but it's not getting me anywhere and that gives me a huge deal an insecurity. That's also why I'm aspiring to be a doctor one day. My job would make a difference, and I'd know WHY I went in to work every morning.
I need love And I need it not to be far away in a distant town.
I need to live close to family Doesn't mean I need to see them all the time, no thanks, but I need to know they're there and that I can go see them when I want to.
I need to learn If I stop learning by the time I've finished school, why would I live?! If you can't get better at anything, what's the motivation to survive?
I, chilishly, need affirmation I estimate my own value in my acheivments. And so, if I'm not acheiving, I'm worthless. But I also need to feel that other people appreciate me. Cause if they don't, what am I doing here?
Well, I know many of these things will have to go to make me happy. But isn't the first step towards solving a problem to recognize that the problem is, in fact, a problem?
söndag 4 november 2007
I've had it
Why do I even bother?
My negativity and pessimism about life make people not want to be around me.
I'm digging myself a hole deeper than I'll ever climb out of..
But why would I not? What is there to give me some hope about the coming days?
I might as well flee to Africa. Start anew, and ridden the people that I know of me.
I'm realizing why my situation is the way it is..
I want to be that person who brightens the days of people. But I'm not.
I want to be that person that people share their thoughts with. But I'm not.
I'm just good for asking about school stuff, that I mostly don't even know.
Why am I? And when will I realize for real that the game is lost. It's impossible to go on from here. When nothing is postitive, how can one generate positivity?
I'll stay an unlikable person. A negative person. And I'll most likely die alone.
My negativity and pessimism about life make people not want to be around me.
I'm digging myself a hole deeper than I'll ever climb out of..
But why would I not? What is there to give me some hope about the coming days?
I might as well flee to Africa. Start anew, and ridden the people that I know of me.
I'm realizing why my situation is the way it is..
I want to be that person who brightens the days of people. But I'm not.
I want to be that person that people share their thoughts with. But I'm not.
I'm just good for asking about school stuff, that I mostly don't even know.
Why am I? And when will I realize for real that the game is lost. It's impossible to go on from here. When nothing is postitive, how can one generate positivity?
I'll stay an unlikable person. A negative person. And I'll most likely die alone.
måndag 15 oktober 2007
Wrong time for a cold
No, no, no.
After a very tumultous weekend starting wonderfully and ending not so wonderfully, I was back in town, ready to start working on the biggest exam up till this day which is to take place on Friday. I've never seen this much information before, and I just don't understand how it's supposed to be done. But that's another issue. Because the problem now is;
I'm sick. I realized it in the library when I couldn't focus my eyes, kept sneezing and shivered. I got home, checked my temperature - et voilà! There it was. The highest one I've had in probably a year, doesn't say much because I'm very rarely sick.
The problem now is how to get rid of this horrible and uncomfortable obstacle. I have to stay focused like 12 hrs a day this week in order to learn all that has to be learnt. And with a barrier of highly unpleasant things in my sinuses, it's pretty darn hard.
Why is it, that the one time that a cold can't affect you, it does? Usually my colds happen right after I'm finished with something, not right before. Maybe somebody higher up there is trying to tell me something, I don't know. I just know that this week can alter my life forever, or actually it will. And with that notion, being under the weather is not desired.
After a very tumultous weekend starting wonderfully and ending not so wonderfully, I was back in town, ready to start working on the biggest exam up till this day which is to take place on Friday. I've never seen this much information before, and I just don't understand how it's supposed to be done. But that's another issue. Because the problem now is;
I'm sick. I realized it in the library when I couldn't focus my eyes, kept sneezing and shivered. I got home, checked my temperature - et voilà! There it was. The highest one I've had in probably a year, doesn't say much because I'm very rarely sick.
The problem now is how to get rid of this horrible and uncomfortable obstacle. I have to stay focused like 12 hrs a day this week in order to learn all that has to be learnt. And with a barrier of highly unpleasant things in my sinuses, it's pretty darn hard.
Why is it, that the one time that a cold can't affect you, it does? Usually my colds happen right after I'm finished with something, not right before. Maybe somebody higher up there is trying to tell me something, I don't know. I just know that this week can alter my life forever, or actually it will. And with that notion, being under the weather is not desired.
söndag 7 oktober 2007
Ave Verum Corpus
This post is about a song that we sung in church yesterday. My choir participates in Sunday mass four times a year, and this week was one of them. I love this piece to death, and to be able to sing it with a choir that I've aspired to be for so long, was almost surreal. We also only had to rehearse it twice before we did it infront on an audience becuase these people are amazing!
I think it's interesting that this is Mozart. It's written so long ago, and still it makes my hair rise, and my eyes fill with tears. (A little troublesome as I was singing it myself) My whole day was altered because of it yesterday. It brings out somethings in me and makes me contemplate all those big things that I can't really govern.
Listen to it and marvel along with me.
I think it's interesting that this is Mozart. It's written so long ago, and still it makes my hair rise, and my eyes fill with tears. (A little troublesome as I was singing it myself) My whole day was altered because of it yesterday. It brings out somethings in me and makes me contemplate all those big things that I can't really govern.
Listen to it and marvel along with me.
lördag 6 oktober 2007
Work
Like school wasn't enough, I also work every Saturday. I sell bread to people with the means to spend a little too much on their breakfast, and I make about 20 cappuccinos and 40 lattes a day (the number has decreased since I changed shops) and I'm "flight attendant" nice, dressed in a ridiculous head-scarf-thingy that makes my hair look like I've sat through three electrocutions by the end of the day.
But work is work, work is money, money is good, useful and very important right now. So, what to do? I have to get up on Saturday mornings, pray that it won't rain when I bike to work, and then, that I like the person working with me that day. Since my shift is 9.5 hrs long - a co-worker that I don't get along with is hopeless.
Today, nothing was right. I was tired, I should've studied all day since I have a big thing in school on Monday, and I had pain all over my body after, well, I don't know. It just hurt. I got to work and found that nobody was there yet which meant that my favorite collegue wasn't the one to accompany me today. The person who did show up wasn't horrible, but we just don't have much in common.
Then, things started to go wrong. First of all the bread didn't show up when and where it's supposed to. So instead of having about half an hour to upack and get stuff in order, we had 15 minutes which is waay too short, and we had to transport it all the way from the garage via an elevator. Then, it turned out they'd sent us all the wrong quantaties and some things they hadn't sent at all. So of course we had to call and complain and all that wonderful stuff.
And then, the day passed. Not too much to do, a few rushes, head aches and screaming kids around. I tried to study some during my 30 minutes' lunch break at 3pm, but that didn't really happen.
Then came the time for clean-up start (starts about two hours before closing). We've learnt that if you're efficient, you can get out of the store at least 20 minutes before you're scheduled to. So we did all we could, arranged the bread, cleaned everything and got ready for a possible last hour sale. (we do that in case we have too much bread) Everything is where it's supposed to be, and we're calm.
But then, it happens. The boss calls and says that we have to take bread from another store that doesn't do the sale. We tell him we already have waaay too much, but he doesn't care. And suddenly the little sale area looks like 3 hrs ago. Nothing is where it's supposed to be, and we're pancing.
But we managed to get rid of mostly everything, although it was the worst last hour ever. Then, came the time to count the money, which I hate because I feel like I'll ge robbed every second, and it's hard to keep your mind straight after 9 hrs of work. Of course there was a deficiency.. SO, we had to count again, and again, and again. And despite our efforts of getting ready early, we got out just as late as we were scheduled to.
And then.. I get home and my parents are hosting a dinner party. Time to move out? oh yeah..
But work is work, work is money, money is good, useful and very important right now. So, what to do? I have to get up on Saturday mornings, pray that it won't rain when I bike to work, and then, that I like the person working with me that day. Since my shift is 9.5 hrs long - a co-worker that I don't get along with is hopeless.
Today, nothing was right. I was tired, I should've studied all day since I have a big thing in school on Monday, and I had pain all over my body after, well, I don't know. It just hurt. I got to work and found that nobody was there yet which meant that my favorite collegue wasn't the one to accompany me today. The person who did show up wasn't horrible, but we just don't have much in common.
Then, things started to go wrong. First of all the bread didn't show up when and where it's supposed to. So instead of having about half an hour to upack and get stuff in order, we had 15 minutes which is waay too short, and we had to transport it all the way from the garage via an elevator. Then, it turned out they'd sent us all the wrong quantaties and some things they hadn't sent at all. So of course we had to call and complain and all that wonderful stuff.
And then, the day passed. Not too much to do, a few rushes, head aches and screaming kids around. I tried to study some during my 30 minutes' lunch break at 3pm, but that didn't really happen.
Then came the time for clean-up start (starts about two hours before closing). We've learnt that if you're efficient, you can get out of the store at least 20 minutes before you're scheduled to. So we did all we could, arranged the bread, cleaned everything and got ready for a possible last hour sale. (we do that in case we have too much bread) Everything is where it's supposed to be, and we're calm.
But then, it happens. The boss calls and says that we have to take bread from another store that doesn't do the sale. We tell him we already have waaay too much, but he doesn't care. And suddenly the little sale area looks like 3 hrs ago. Nothing is where it's supposed to be, and we're pancing.
But we managed to get rid of mostly everything, although it was the worst last hour ever. Then, came the time to count the money, which I hate because I feel like I'll ge robbed every second, and it's hard to keep your mind straight after 9 hrs of work. Of course there was a deficiency.. SO, we had to count again, and again, and again. And despite our efforts of getting ready early, we got out just as late as we were scheduled to.
And then.. I get home and my parents are hosting a dinner party. Time to move out? oh yeah..
fredag 5 oktober 2007
On the art of figuring stuff out
When you’re little, you hear people telling you that you’re going to, at one point in your life, try to figure out what life is. Not only that but more importantly; why it is. This chain of thoughts supposedly comes along with puberty. You are, according to biology, going to be trying to figure out who you are, and along with that, the inevitable question; why you are.
When I was 14, I had heard all of this a million times, and I was waiting for the teenage depression to kick in. I suppose I did dwell a little bit over who I was, mostly related to what clothing style was the right one for that month, or whether Leonardo Di Caprio was more handsome than Josh Hartnett or vice versa. And when I so turned 19, had gone through all of the adolescent musts and become a well-equipped woman, I thought I was done. I patted my own back, shook hands with myself and said “Good Game”. Just some light eating disorder and a couple of stress related allergy shocks, and that was it. I’d gone through it all without any major damage on neither my parents nor myself.
But so came the months after high school graduation including the anniversary of my class mate’s death and the time to decide what to make of the life I was leading. And BAM, enter dwelling. No, I did not embark on the teenage depression when I was supposed to, and maybe that’s why these questions come back to haunt me now. Too late in life, when I’m supposed to be through with all this, and nobody will understand me. Who am I and why the heck am I here?
I’ve also always been told that the years of high school are the best in one’s life. No real responsibilities, just study and play. Well, I didn’t believe people who said that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think it was all that fun. I was just stressing out about not learning all the stuff that I really could be learning had we used a different book or had another teacher. Thinking that I probably wasn’t that smart, since we would always get an easier test than N3b, and I would surely enough not be a straight A student had I ended up somewhere else. It’s not until now that I get it. And now it’s too late to enjoy what I once had.
So what if the rest of my life will only be about this. About stressing out about wondering why I am? What if I’ll always just long for the next thing to start, never be happy in the moment? I’m scared out of my wits of this. And it’s not OK.
When I was 14, I had heard all of this a million times, and I was waiting for the teenage depression to kick in. I suppose I did dwell a little bit over who I was, mostly related to what clothing style was the right one for that month, or whether Leonardo Di Caprio was more handsome than Josh Hartnett or vice versa. And when I so turned 19, had gone through all of the adolescent musts and become a well-equipped woman, I thought I was done. I patted my own back, shook hands with myself and said “Good Game”. Just some light eating disorder and a couple of stress related allergy shocks, and that was it. I’d gone through it all without any major damage on neither my parents nor myself.
But so came the months after high school graduation including the anniversary of my class mate’s death and the time to decide what to make of the life I was leading. And BAM, enter dwelling. No, I did not embark on the teenage depression when I was supposed to, and maybe that’s why these questions come back to haunt me now. Too late in life, when I’m supposed to be through with all this, and nobody will understand me. Who am I and why the heck am I here?
I’ve also always been told that the years of high school are the best in one’s life. No real responsibilities, just study and play. Well, I didn’t believe people who said that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think it was all that fun. I was just stressing out about not learning all the stuff that I really could be learning had we used a different book or had another teacher. Thinking that I probably wasn’t that smart, since we would always get an easier test than N3b, and I would surely enough not be a straight A student had I ended up somewhere else. It’s not until now that I get it. And now it’s too late to enjoy what I once had.
So what if the rest of my life will only be about this. About stressing out about wondering why I am? What if I’ll always just long for the next thing to start, never be happy in the moment? I’m scared out of my wits of this. And it’s not OK.
onsdag 26 september 2007
I'm finally going down to see my man down in the south of Sweden. Hence I had to get involved, yet again, in the quest for the cheapest tickets there. Well, actually just tickets. Because since I know that the airport is far from where he lives, flying there would just be insane. So I went for train tickets. And that's when I started to think. They promote trains as the "greener" way to travel. More people fit in the train than on that tiny airplane that usually takes you to Skåne, and yet, it's so mch more expensive. It costs me almost ten times as much to take the train down there that to fly to London and back.. I think it's bizarre.
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to going with the train. I haven't since I was in China in 2002, and I have a small feeling this is a little cleaner (well, I hope at least) and less noisy.. But I suppose you never know. I don't think I'll sleep all that much having that problem of mine with more than one person in the same room. But, whatever. It'll be an experience.
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to going with the train. I haven't since I was in China in 2002, and I have a small feeling this is a little cleaner (well, I hope at least) and less noisy.. But I suppose you never know. I don't think I'll sleep all that much having that problem of mine with more than one person in the same room. But, whatever. It'll be an experience.
Fatigue
So, it starts again. You bring your books to the library, open them all up on the right pages, rummage around in you bad to try to find a pen that's, like always, hidden on the bottom. And then you get to work. Well, here's when the days differ. Sometimes you get to work, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're efficient - sometimes you're not.
This week I've experienced werid things happening to my body. Weirdest of them all being that I'm just comstantly tired. And not just a little tired, no. Tired as in - head ache - stomach ache- I can't even keep my eyes open - tired. And I'm sleeping like I usually do, eating like I usually do and exercising like I usually do. What is wrong with me?! Why am I suddenly a zombie? Why do I never get to work when I should and why am I never efficient enough?
Well, after this week I'm at least educated enough to know in what column my belly ache - neuron signals travel in my spine...
This week I've experienced werid things happening to my body. Weirdest of them all being that I'm just comstantly tired. And not just a little tired, no. Tired as in - head ache - stomach ache- I can't even keep my eyes open - tired. And I'm sleeping like I usually do, eating like I usually do and exercising like I usually do. What is wrong with me?! Why am I suddenly a zombie? Why do I never get to work when I should and why am I never efficient enough?
Well, after this week I'm at least educated enough to know in what column my belly ache - neuron signals travel in my spine...
fredag 21 september 2007
For a family
Being away.
Usually, it's just an everyday thing, you adapt to it, just as our sensory neurons adapt to cold and heat. But sometimes I guess, it's harder than that. Sometimes the routines and habituary things just get thrown off their norm, and not being there is physically painful.
Of course, it would be nice to be there for birthdays, for acheivments in school, at work. For random little peaks that can only be experienced in the very moment occure. Something to keep building relatioships on. It can be hard to only exist through memories.
But those small things aren't what bothers me today. It's the big things. It's the things that make you crawl out of your skin when you hear of them. And that's when not being able to give a hug to a person you love, is so frustrating, it's almost painful.
So, in lack of other things to do; here's a list what I wish I could to for a family that I love tremendously this week.
1. Make dinner. Three courses, well, four because FB wouldn't want to eat what I'm cooking for the rest of us.
2. Take a walk with M, if only around the block.
3. Take FB to the movies on a Saturday so that M and D could have some time alone.
4. Take M out for a girls' night with mojitos.
5. Suprise them all with the house being cleaned when they come homefrom their various activities.
6. Give them all 1 million hugs and tell them to their faces that I love them.
It's the best I can do...
Usually, it's just an everyday thing, you adapt to it, just as our sensory neurons adapt to cold and heat. But sometimes I guess, it's harder than that. Sometimes the routines and habituary things just get thrown off their norm, and not being there is physically painful.
Of course, it would be nice to be there for birthdays, for acheivments in school, at work. For random little peaks that can only be experienced in the very moment occure. Something to keep building relatioships on. It can be hard to only exist through memories.
But those small things aren't what bothers me today. It's the big things. It's the things that make you crawl out of your skin when you hear of them. And that's when not being able to give a hug to a person you love, is so frustrating, it's almost painful.
So, in lack of other things to do; here's a list what I wish I could to for a family that I love tremendously this week.
1. Make dinner. Three courses, well, four because FB wouldn't want to eat what I'm cooking for the rest of us.
2. Take a walk with M, if only around the block.
3. Take FB to the movies on a Saturday so that M and D could have some time alone.
4. Take M out for a girls' night with mojitos.
5. Suprise them all with the house being cleaned when they come homefrom their various activities.
6. Give them all 1 million hugs and tell them to their faces that I love them.
It's the best I can do...
torsdag 20 september 2007
reflecting
Today the sky is gray. That means there's absolutely nothing to do here, and I feel like I'm wasting precious free time by wandering about, worrying about what'll happen in three weeks. It also makes me philosophical, contemplative, and very prone to missing stuff. It's like the gray clouds makes me privy to all the stuff that are miles and miles away from me.
Missing is such a peculiar feeling. For people who haven't really missed something or somebody, it's incomprehensible, indescribable. Missing somebody that's gone for a month or a week, like the situation with me and my boyfriend, is one thing. Missing something without knowing when you'll get to see it again, is a different story.
To survive missing something like that, you need to push it aside. You have to tell yourself that it exists, but for another time. You need to focus on what you have and how to make the best out of it. How can you gain the most from this "missing mission"? How can it help you grow? In other words you need to find a meaning. You need to learn coping skills, like with all things that makes life, life. You need to try to see the positive sides, like how much easier it is to write somebody about your problems than to tell somebody face to face. How happy you get when you do get an answer to that e-mail. Suffice it to say, you just need to live with it.
But sometimes that missing feeling just takes over hand. That's when you have to tie yourself to the bedpost, so you don't do anything rash, like spend all your money on an airplane ticket to the duece for example. I wonder how many times I've been about to do just that.
So that makes me think about all the people missing things they'll never ever get to see again. I'm so happy that all the people and things I miss are still there, still standing. Not blown away by war or decisions made by somebody much more poweful than us earth-bound humans. At least I get to have the people I miss within reach. And they are in my life, able to help me get through tough times, all in their own, separate ways.That's invaluable.
Missing is such a peculiar feeling. For people who haven't really missed something or somebody, it's incomprehensible, indescribable. Missing somebody that's gone for a month or a week, like the situation with me and my boyfriend, is one thing. Missing something without knowing when you'll get to see it again, is a different story.
To survive missing something like that, you need to push it aside. You have to tell yourself that it exists, but for another time. You need to focus on what you have and how to make the best out of it. How can you gain the most from this "missing mission"? How can it help you grow? In other words you need to find a meaning. You need to learn coping skills, like with all things that makes life, life. You need to try to see the positive sides, like how much easier it is to write somebody about your problems than to tell somebody face to face. How happy you get when you do get an answer to that e-mail. Suffice it to say, you just need to live with it.
But sometimes that missing feeling just takes over hand. That's when you have to tie yourself to the bedpost, so you don't do anything rash, like spend all your money on an airplane ticket to the duece for example. I wonder how many times I've been about to do just that.
So that makes me think about all the people missing things they'll never ever get to see again. I'm so happy that all the people and things I miss are still there, still standing. Not blown away by war or decisions made by somebody much more poweful than us earth-bound humans. At least I get to have the people I miss within reach. And they are in my life, able to help me get through tough times, all in their own, separate ways.That's invaluable.
fredag 7 september 2007
A very tired Friday
Certain things make you upset and certain don't. Probably not a new thought in anybody's mind.But did you know why they do? Well, I know. And I'm not very happy about it.
The reason is simply because our body is made up of a huge amount of cells of which I have to know the names. And all those cells make up different types of tissue of which I also have to know the names. And then all those tissues are subdivided into categories of which I also have to know the names. And it goes on and on from there.
I had no idea studying could be this demanding. It's not even a matter of understanding. It's just a matter of giving up everything else in your life and replace it with endless hours of cramming stuff into your head. At least I know it won't get any worse than this. But it's not particularily comforting at this time.
Just an outburst of anger and despair. Not much of a post really. But, becuase of the fact that our, pretty amazing, bodies have three different types of cartilige in them, I have other stuff to attend to.
The reason is simply because our body is made up of a huge amount of cells of which I have to know the names. And all those cells make up different types of tissue of which I also have to know the names. And then all those tissues are subdivided into categories of which I also have to know the names. And it goes on and on from there.
I had no idea studying could be this demanding. It's not even a matter of understanding. It's just a matter of giving up everything else in your life and replace it with endless hours of cramming stuff into your head. At least I know it won't get any worse than this. But it's not particularily comforting at this time.
Just an outburst of anger and despair. Not much of a post really. But, becuase of the fact that our, pretty amazing, bodies have three different types of cartilige in them, I have other stuff to attend to.
fredag 24 augusti 2007
Cray-fish party from scratch
The torches in A's and my hands were the only lights we had. The sound of rattling leaves and rubber boots cracking branches, the only sounds. Remnants of our previous pre-dinner glasses of wine and crackers looked up at me from the ground as we approached the water. The water, absolutely still and as black as the August night sky above us. The area still smelled of our fishing adventure earlier that evening and tiny blood stains from the enormous pike and the other fish had painted the rocks underneath us.
The noises from a conversation in mixed English accents from behind us told us that the others were arriving, too. Their beaming flashlight made me not see anything for a second, and I felt happy that I knew who they were. I felt safe under the starry sky. Safe and excited.
"OK. Let's go. Mikaela, you do the honors. Take up the first one!" A's voice broke the silence. It was time to get to work. I knealed down towards the piece of wood and string that lay on the boulder infront of me, and after getting my cue from A, I started pulling. At first all I could see was the piece of fish I'd pierced through the giant safety pin within the cage earlier that night. It seemed whiter in the moonlight, and judging from the look of it, someone in the deapth of the water had thought it perfect for Friday supper.
As I pulled the cage towards me, I realized that the smelling piece of fish wasn't alone in the cage. It had worked, this year, too. Along with it five or six blue-black cray fish were crawling all over each other.
"I've got six" I called out to the others."
"Great, you wanna take 'em out?" A's voice shouted back.
"Sure. But I'm not positve I'm able too."
"It's easy. Just pinch them around the neck and pull. That way their claws can't reach you."
Not very assured by these words, I opened the cage and inched my right hand closer to the biggest of the six inside. The clipping of their claws made the characteristic sound that is impossible to describe to anybody who has never heard it.
I did as A had said; pinched it right below the tiny head and pulled. The other ones, probably all blinded with the light from the torches shining all their light on them, started stirring. They could probably sense what was going on. My first victim turned sqeemish in my hand. It got tangled up in everything on its way out, including two of its friends. My heart was pounding when I finally got it out and dropped it in the big bucket. I'd done it.
18 more cages supplied us with around 60 more of the, to be delicious, cray fish. As we got back to the house, it was almost already dawning, and we went to sleep.
Two days after, our labour payed off. A boiled the cray-fish in her secret brew, and along with the traditional spieced cheeses, the pies, the pannacotta and the disgusting liqour, they supplied us with the best cray-fish party one could have wished for. The other guests were stunned at the fact that we had done it ourselves. Just five girls and a dog called Lady. In other words, five ladies and Lady did it all. From scratch. Who ever said that the male is the braver and more handy of the sexes?!
The noises from a conversation in mixed English accents from behind us told us that the others were arriving, too. Their beaming flashlight made me not see anything for a second, and I felt happy that I knew who they were. I felt safe under the starry sky. Safe and excited.
"OK. Let's go. Mikaela, you do the honors. Take up the first one!" A's voice broke the silence. It was time to get to work. I knealed down towards the piece of wood and string that lay on the boulder infront of me, and after getting my cue from A, I started pulling. At first all I could see was the piece of fish I'd pierced through the giant safety pin within the cage earlier that night. It seemed whiter in the moonlight, and judging from the look of it, someone in the deapth of the water had thought it perfect for Friday supper.
As I pulled the cage towards me, I realized that the smelling piece of fish wasn't alone in the cage. It had worked, this year, too. Along with it five or six blue-black cray fish were crawling all over each other.
"I've got six" I called out to the others."
"Great, you wanna take 'em out?" A's voice shouted back.
"Sure. But I'm not positve I'm able too."
"It's easy. Just pinch them around the neck and pull. That way their claws can't reach you."
Not very assured by these words, I opened the cage and inched my right hand closer to the biggest of the six inside. The clipping of their claws made the characteristic sound that is impossible to describe to anybody who has never heard it.
I did as A had said; pinched it right below the tiny head and pulled. The other ones, probably all blinded with the light from the torches shining all their light on them, started stirring. They could probably sense what was going on. My first victim turned sqeemish in my hand. It got tangled up in everything on its way out, including two of its friends. My heart was pounding when I finally got it out and dropped it in the big bucket. I'd done it.
18 more cages supplied us with around 60 more of the, to be delicious, cray fish. As we got back to the house, it was almost already dawning, and we went to sleep.
Two days after, our labour payed off. A boiled the cray-fish in her secret brew, and along with the traditional spieced cheeses, the pies, the pannacotta and the disgusting liqour, they supplied us with the best cray-fish party one could have wished for. The other guests were stunned at the fact that we had done it ourselves. Just five girls and a dog called Lady. In other words, five ladies and Lady did it all. From scratch. Who ever said that the male is the braver and more handy of the sexes?!
tisdag 21 augusti 2007
Student life
While out walking in the scolding heat yesterday (for us Swedes 75 degrees is scolding hot), my love and I discussed how we're finally entering the so called "Funnest Years of Our Lives". At least that's what all the higher educated people here call their university years. However, to me, it's pretty unbelievable, and here is why.
I just do not for the life of me understand how living off of oat meal, ramen noodles and carrots can be so fantastic? How passing on going to shows and going out to dinner can be so fabulous? And how can people actually LOVE living off of no money whatsoever?
Maybe it's the thrill of knowing that when you do let yourself indulge, it's really a one time extra special thing. Maybe it's the feel of belonging to that huge group of people who're really making an effort to get somewhere with their lives? Maybe it's just because you're free, and I mean really free, to do what you want for the first time.
For me, this semester will be a very tremulous one. I'll lose my love to a faraway town, I'll lose various friends to various universities and jobs abroad, and I've lost my sister to little tiny town in the north of Sweden. In other words, I have a very hard time seeing how this semester is going to be the beginning of the most fun I've ever had.. But maybe I'll be surprised.
I just do not for the life of me understand how living off of oat meal, ramen noodles and carrots can be so fantastic? How passing on going to shows and going out to dinner can be so fabulous? And how can people actually LOVE living off of no money whatsoever?
Maybe it's the thrill of knowing that when you do let yourself indulge, it's really a one time extra special thing. Maybe it's the feel of belonging to that huge group of people who're really making an effort to get somewhere with their lives? Maybe it's just because you're free, and I mean really free, to do what you want for the first time.
For me, this semester will be a very tremulous one. I'll lose my love to a faraway town, I'll lose various friends to various universities and jobs abroad, and I've lost my sister to little tiny town in the north of Sweden. In other words, I have a very hard time seeing how this semester is going to be the beginning of the most fun I've ever had.. But maybe I'll be surprised.
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