For some reason, I always miss the U.S. the most during Thanksgiving. Maybe it's because that's the only American holiday that hasn't tried to make it's way over here yet. Maybe it's because it's grey and dreary here, and that things always start to add up during this time of the year. Maybe it's just because I need to get out of here.
Either way, this year is no different from the other. Or well, it is. This year I'm missing New York City.
I would do a lot of things to be able to take a Sunday stroll in Central Park, smell the roasted nuts on the sidewalks, bump into the strangest characters on the subway, go down to Times Square yet again,to marvel at the neon lights that never seize to impress me, have a tasti.d.lite treat down by Union Square, go shopping for apples at Trader Joe's, take Winter's contemporary morning class at STEPS on Broadway well the list is endless..
I also miss my grandma very much. I loved having a sane grandparent, who I could call, could get groceries for, care for, help with all the modern things that don't make a whole lot of sense and who'd just make me feel so incredibly loved.
Oh... Those were the days...
tisdag 27 november 2007
måndag 12 november 2007
Just once...
I have always wanted to live my life on stage in one way or another. I've tried it all, singing, dancing, acting, and well, I'm mediocre at all of those things, but nowhere close to actually doing it. For real I mean. In front of people who've paied to look at me. But wouldn't it be nice, to just once...
One time before I give it all up get to stand there in the lime light. Feel how the spotlight blinds me, and puts a shield between me and my audience. Wear that costume, be all pretty and stylish and look like I belong there. And then, hear the pianist strike a chord and know that, this is my cue. Now is the time. Feel me cheeks flush a bit, the tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach. The rush of knowing that I know this. I can do this. I can do this well. And I will baffle them, I'll make an amazing show out of this. And people will talk about it forever and I will rest peacefully at night.
One time before I give it all up get to stand there in the lime light. Feel how the spotlight blinds me, and puts a shield between me and my audience. Wear that costume, be all pretty and stylish and look like I belong there. And then, hear the pianist strike a chord and know that, this is my cue. Now is the time. Feel me cheeks flush a bit, the tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach. The rush of knowing that I know this. I can do this. I can do this well. And I will baffle them, I'll make an amazing show out of this. And people will talk about it forever and I will rest peacefully at night.
söndag 11 november 2007
A luxurious Sunday morning
I woke up yesterday without an ounze of stress in my body. Beside me was the most precious person in the world to me, still sleeping like a baby although the time was way past adult sleeping time. I got to wake him up by stroking his back, without him having a reason to get angry because it was already 11.30 - What a luxury.
We stayed in bed for a while and talked and talked and talked about how we can't give up, how we can't fight and how much he loves my cheeks and how much I love his arms. And how I have to book my tickets fast so we know for sure we'll be together again, soon. I felt loved, I felt beautiful, I felt wanted - what a luxury.
His brother opened the door and whiffed in the marvelous smell of saffron scones to the room. He said they would be ready in only five minutes, and there would be tea and marmelade and honey - What a luxury.
We went downstairs, and were greated by his mother who'd set the table with lit candles for all of us. Just to sit down, relax, eat the amazing scones (the best ones I've had I believe) and hold hands with my love and give him the occasional kiss on the cheek, and get one occasionally on the forhead - What a luxury.
We stayed in bed for a while and talked and talked and talked about how we can't give up, how we can't fight and how much he loves my cheeks and how much I love his arms. And how I have to book my tickets fast so we know for sure we'll be together again, soon. I felt loved, I felt beautiful, I felt wanted - what a luxury.
His brother opened the door and whiffed in the marvelous smell of saffron scones to the room. He said they would be ready in only five minutes, and there would be tea and marmelade and honey - What a luxury.
We went downstairs, and were greated by his mother who'd set the table with lit candles for all of us. Just to sit down, relax, eat the amazing scones (the best ones I've had I believe) and hold hands with my love and give him the occasional kiss on the cheek, and get one occasionally on the forhead - What a luxury.
Then, we looked out the window, and big, beautiful, white flakes were dancing outside of it, creating a lace-like pattern on the yet too warm ground. Classical music on the stereo accompanied them as they pirouetted around for us and made us think of Christmas - what a luxury.
To have a day like that, when nothing has to be done. When you just feel like you're welcomed, you're wanted and you're loved. To wake up knowing that you are meant to be on this earth because otherwise, this other human being next to you shouldn't be there either. To feel like you can conquer every obstacle on your chosen path, no matter how hard all of those things feel when you're alone and think of them. To know that on this very day, nothing can harm you. What a Luxury.
Priorities
Lately I feel like my life, more than ever, is labled with the line "You have to prioritate". Studying is prioritating what chapters I'm should read since you can't read them all, dancing is prioritating getting healthy or getting better technique, singing is doing that or practiacally nothing ekse.
It's a pity because I'm notoriously bad at doing just that. Making priorities that is. And whatever decision I come up with in the end is always the wrong one. On the other hand, had I made the other one, that would probably have ended up feeling just as bad. Choosing one thing over another is one thing, but neglecting one thing to be able to do another, is a different ball game.
The month of December is always a stressful one for everybody. Holiday planning, holiday shopping, holiday socializing, holiday eating, holiday feeling like one has to work off the extra pounds, end-of-school-year-studying etc.
For me it's also about getting to spend a couple of days with the man in my life who currently lives very far away, and without whom I can't function properly, trying to make enough money to afford buying people presents and to support myself for next year, giving concerts in excess because my new choir is crazy busy during Christmas time and performing in various dance recitals. Well, this year it'll only be one, but of course on the same day as I'm scheduled to have two concerts. Needless to say, I need to prioritate, because I'm only one person, and I can not be in 4 places at the same time. Although I've tried a couple of times, but it hurt pretty badly.
The problem is, all these thing are too important to me for these decisions to be easily made. I don't put one over the other, well, yes my bf is way on top of everything, but the others are tied in second place. I've made commitments to my boss, to my conductor and to my dance teacher in the beginning of the fall. And those promises requires me to be there when I'm scheduled to. To do my best, to be awake, be positive, know my steps, know my music, know the new prices on the breads and most of all be full of energy 24/7. But doing this only works as long as these things stick to their normal schedule and don't start to mess with me. Because when 1 choir practise a week becomes 7 concerts with the extra rehearsal time added - my planning falls through, and I'm pretty much a dead 21-year-old with hair too long because I haven't got the time to have it cut.
So, now, I've just realized that, since I can't just quit one anymore, I have to cut my time in even pieces, and give all of my duties a fair share. Yes, I will let people down in the process which I truly hate, because giving a 90% isn't quite my thing. But to be able to survive the month of december, this is a must. I've come to terms with not being able to give 110% to everything at all times. I have to cut myself some slack sometimes. That does, however, encompass giving 150% when I'm at the place I've made a priority that day.
So, here now I present to you my, modified schedule for december (Notice how there are a lot of days where I only have ONE thing scheduled - IMPROVEMENT!!).
1 work 9-18.30
2 concerts all day
3 cramming for final exam
4 cramming for final exam and dance
5 cramming for final exam choir rehearals and concert
6 cramming for final exam
7 final exam, dance times 2 (potentially 1 concert)
8 concert from 12 pm
9-12 go to see bf
13 (Lucia) concerts from 6am and on
14 dance and concert
15 concert
16 dance recital and concert
17-23 work 8 hr days
...and then it's Christmas...
It's a pity because I'm notoriously bad at doing just that. Making priorities that is. And whatever decision I come up with in the end is always the wrong one. On the other hand, had I made the other one, that would probably have ended up feeling just as bad. Choosing one thing over another is one thing, but neglecting one thing to be able to do another, is a different ball game.
The month of December is always a stressful one for everybody. Holiday planning, holiday shopping, holiday socializing, holiday eating, holiday feeling like one has to work off the extra pounds, end-of-school-year-studying etc.
For me it's also about getting to spend a couple of days with the man in my life who currently lives very far away, and without whom I can't function properly, trying to make enough money to afford buying people presents and to support myself for next year, giving concerts in excess because my new choir is crazy busy during Christmas time and performing in various dance recitals. Well, this year it'll only be one, but of course on the same day as I'm scheduled to have two concerts. Needless to say, I need to prioritate, because I'm only one person, and I can not be in 4 places at the same time. Although I've tried a couple of times, but it hurt pretty badly.
The problem is, all these thing are too important to me for these decisions to be easily made. I don't put one over the other, well, yes my bf is way on top of everything, but the others are tied in second place. I've made commitments to my boss, to my conductor and to my dance teacher in the beginning of the fall. And those promises requires me to be there when I'm scheduled to. To do my best, to be awake, be positive, know my steps, know my music, know the new prices on the breads and most of all be full of energy 24/7. But doing this only works as long as these things stick to their normal schedule and don't start to mess with me. Because when 1 choir practise a week becomes 7 concerts with the extra rehearsal time added - my planning falls through, and I'm pretty much a dead 21-year-old with hair too long because I haven't got the time to have it cut.
So, now, I've just realized that, since I can't just quit one anymore, I have to cut my time in even pieces, and give all of my duties a fair share. Yes, I will let people down in the process which I truly hate, because giving a 90% isn't quite my thing. But to be able to survive the month of december, this is a must. I've come to terms with not being able to give 110% to everything at all times. I have to cut myself some slack sometimes. That does, however, encompass giving 150% when I'm at the place I've made a priority that day.
So, here now I present to you my, modified schedule for december (Notice how there are a lot of days where I only have ONE thing scheduled - IMPROVEMENT!!).
1 work 9-18.30
2 concerts all day
3 cramming for final exam
4 cramming for final exam and dance
5 cramming for final exam choir rehearals and concert
6 cramming for final exam
7 final exam, dance times 2 (potentially 1 concert)
8 concert from 12 pm
9-12 go to see bf
13 (Lucia) concerts from 6am and on
14 dance and concert
15 concert
16 dance recital and concert
17-23 work 8 hr days
...and then it's Christmas...
onsdag 7 november 2007
Crime and Punishment
On the news last night and this morning, most of the discussion was about the terrible and very sad shooting at a school in Finland. 8 people were killed and apparently the murderer who was 18 years old, had threatened to commit this crime via You Tube a couple of days earlier.
How can this be? How can an 18-year-old have so much hatered in him that he/she can do a thing like this?
When this happens in a Scandinavian coutry, it really has me baffled. I don't know anything of the background of this killer/child/teenager. But I know he's Scandinavian. And I am too. Thus we've grown up in very similar societies, similar schools, we speak the same language in one way since the Finish are required to learn Swedish, some silly ancient tradition that's still around. Of course I know that a lot can happen outside the boundraries of society. A child's upbringing is in the hands of his or her parents. On the people around it and its teachers in school. But HOW can it go so wrong? How can you hate life and disrespect the lives of others to the extent that you kill 8 people before you've even turned 20?
It wasn't long ago since a 16-year-old was detained to death just a 15-minute walk from here. The boys who most likely did it grew up almost where I did, central Stockholm, and have gone to schools where friends of mine have gone. What has happened to these kids during their upbringing that made them prone to do something like this? Were they not loved sufficiently? Did they not learn that kicking somebody in the head kills people despite that they, in Computer Games, get up and walk away after a blow to the head that would've diattached it from the tendons and the spine in real life? What can have happened to these boys in their short lifetime that mark them as evil?
I'm not a believer of computer games or movies as a source for our violence today. Neither do I believe that websites like you tube, myspace and facebook make us all worse people and are dangerous. I believe in emotional neglect, depression, testosteron, adrenaline, drugs, alcohol and most of all - that we are pack animals, and in a very sad and primitive way, do what our leader tells us to do because of an innate longing for belonging.
I don't believe in people being pure evil at the age of 18. I want to have a different reason. Something that's fixable. Something that we can learn and protect our children from.
Either way, the deed is done. And now the problem is what to do with the killer. How does one handle a murder case where the killer is only a child, hardly of age? Is a prison really the place for a teenager who just destroyed the lives of so many people and through that, destroyed the life of himself? Is it going to benefit the person, make them better people, help them move on and turn around? Or is that the whole plan? To make them not want to go on? To make them want to end their lives as soon as they're discharged from the prison and ridden society from them in that form?
In that case, I support the right of execution. Why keep a person alive if they're not allowed a second chance? All prison ever does is cost society a lot of money. At least here where you can't be in for more than 12 years no matter what type of crime you're being punished for. So unless the prison is a very pedagogic and therapeutic place, once these kids come out of it, they'll be as messed up as they were when they came in, if not worse. And messed up was what brought them in there.
I guess I became political, but if ever, isn't this really the time to be political? Our society is moving towards something nightmare-like. We need to fix it fast unless we want to end up with the next generation growing up with a constant fear for being killed in school.
I think we need to love.
How can this be? How can an 18-year-old have so much hatered in him that he/she can do a thing like this?
When this happens in a Scandinavian coutry, it really has me baffled. I don't know anything of the background of this killer/child/teenager. But I know he's Scandinavian. And I am too. Thus we've grown up in very similar societies, similar schools, we speak the same language in one way since the Finish are required to learn Swedish, some silly ancient tradition that's still around. Of course I know that a lot can happen outside the boundraries of society. A child's upbringing is in the hands of his or her parents. On the people around it and its teachers in school. But HOW can it go so wrong? How can you hate life and disrespect the lives of others to the extent that you kill 8 people before you've even turned 20?
It wasn't long ago since a 16-year-old was detained to death just a 15-minute walk from here. The boys who most likely did it grew up almost where I did, central Stockholm, and have gone to schools where friends of mine have gone. What has happened to these kids during their upbringing that made them prone to do something like this? Were they not loved sufficiently? Did they not learn that kicking somebody in the head kills people despite that they, in Computer Games, get up and walk away after a blow to the head that would've diattached it from the tendons and the spine in real life? What can have happened to these boys in their short lifetime that mark them as evil?
I'm not a believer of computer games or movies as a source for our violence today. Neither do I believe that websites like you tube, myspace and facebook make us all worse people and are dangerous. I believe in emotional neglect, depression, testosteron, adrenaline, drugs, alcohol and most of all - that we are pack animals, and in a very sad and primitive way, do what our leader tells us to do because of an innate longing for belonging.
I don't believe in people being pure evil at the age of 18. I want to have a different reason. Something that's fixable. Something that we can learn and protect our children from.
Either way, the deed is done. And now the problem is what to do with the killer. How does one handle a murder case where the killer is only a child, hardly of age? Is a prison really the place for a teenager who just destroyed the lives of so many people and through that, destroyed the life of himself? Is it going to benefit the person, make them better people, help them move on and turn around? Or is that the whole plan? To make them not want to go on? To make them want to end their lives as soon as they're discharged from the prison and ridden society from them in that form?
In that case, I support the right of execution. Why keep a person alive if they're not allowed a second chance? All prison ever does is cost society a lot of money. At least here where you can't be in for more than 12 years no matter what type of crime you're being punished for. So unless the prison is a very pedagogic and therapeutic place, once these kids come out of it, they'll be as messed up as they were when they came in, if not worse. And messed up was what brought them in there.
I guess I became political, but if ever, isn't this really the time to be political? Our society is moving towards something nightmare-like. We need to fix it fast unless we want to end up with the next generation growing up with a constant fear for being killed in school.
I think we need to love.
Sleeping Beauty
For a while now I haven't been sleeping for one reason or another. Either I have been doing something at night that doesn't encompass sleeping, or I've just been unable to fall asleep because my thoughts have started to spinn around in my head and treatened to kill me.
But last night I slept. And it was the nicest sleep ever. I slept through my parents morning routines, I slept through the start of the horrible construction workers downstairs who seem to have forgotten that people sometimes sleep longer than 7.30 and that they shouldn't start working until 8. I slept through the rain pattering on my window and I slept through the evil kids outside stealing the front light of my bike and smearing gum on my hand break. (yes, they do things like that in Sweden, too)
But when I woke up I felt like I could get up. I didn't have to close my eyes one extra time and just sleep a liiittle longer because I didn't need to. I maybe stayed in bed a little longer because I'm some what trying to avert having to start learning about the immune systems all tiny little components and the Acid-Base balance and worst of all the Salt-Water balance. I know we need to maintain homeostasis, can't that be enough?
However, the power of sleep is immense. And people my age tend to forget that. I mean, I know that I'm not feeling so well if I have less than 6 hrs. of sleep, but sometimes it's like my body and my brain don't co-operate.
This weekend is one I've looked forward to for a long time. So I'd better be rested, because I have a feeling, my 8 or more hours aren't going to happen that much..
But last night I slept. And it was the nicest sleep ever. I slept through my parents morning routines, I slept through the start of the horrible construction workers downstairs who seem to have forgotten that people sometimes sleep longer than 7.30 and that they shouldn't start working until 8. I slept through the rain pattering on my window and I slept through the evil kids outside stealing the front light of my bike and smearing gum on my hand break. (yes, they do things like that in Sweden, too)
But when I woke up I felt like I could get up. I didn't have to close my eyes one extra time and just sleep a liiittle longer because I didn't need to. I maybe stayed in bed a little longer because I'm some what trying to avert having to start learning about the immune systems all tiny little components and the Acid-Base balance and worst of all the Salt-Water balance. I know we need to maintain homeostasis, can't that be enough?
However, the power of sleep is immense. And people my age tend to forget that. I mean, I know that I'm not feeling so well if I have less than 6 hrs. of sleep, but sometimes it's like my body and my brain don't co-operate.
This weekend is one I've looked forward to for a long time. So I'd better be rested, because I have a feeling, my 8 or more hours aren't going to happen that much..
tisdag 6 november 2007
What I need
So, for those of you who happened to read my last post, you've probably realized that I'm not going through such an easy time in my life right now. Nothing seems to work out the way I want it to work out. And the reason why this makes such a huge impact on my life is that I have needs.
All people have needs. As you're all familiar with, we do need to eat a sufficient amount of food every day to meet the requirements of our metabolism, to maintain homeostasis and to feel well. We also need to drink water, we need to move for real for 30 minutes a day and we should take on average 10.000 steps every day to keep our joints lubricated, our muscles functional and our body fat percentage within reasonable limits. That's what we need for our bodies to be able to do what we need them to do.
Recently I've thought a lot about my other needs. My individual needs. The needs that make me the little person I am. Many of them I've figured out while living abroad or being off on my own. And here are my conclusions.
I need control Mostly of the future. To live in the now as we say here in Sweden, is just not my thing if I'm not granted that I know what's going on a month "from the now".
I need intellectual stimulance This is something I've figured out while being off doing other things. If I'm not allowed to use my brain, I'm not happy. And if I find out my brain isn't great enough, I hate myself.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is good for something In a way that's why I can't be happy right now. I love my school and my class, but it's not getting me anywhere and that gives me a huge deal an insecurity. That's also why I'm aspiring to be a doctor one day. My job would make a difference, and I'd know WHY I went in to work every morning.
I need love And I need it not to be far away in a distant town.
I need to live close to family Doesn't mean I need to see them all the time, no thanks, but I need to know they're there and that I can go see them when I want to.
I need to learn If I stop learning by the time I've finished school, why would I live?! If you can't get better at anything, what's the motivation to survive?
I, chilishly, need affirmation I estimate my own value in my acheivments. And so, if I'm not acheiving, I'm worthless. But I also need to feel that other people appreciate me. Cause if they don't, what am I doing here?
Well, I know many of these things will have to go to make me happy. But isn't the first step towards solving a problem to recognize that the problem is, in fact, a problem?
All people have needs. As you're all familiar with, we do need to eat a sufficient amount of food every day to meet the requirements of our metabolism, to maintain homeostasis and to feel well. We also need to drink water, we need to move for real for 30 minutes a day and we should take on average 10.000 steps every day to keep our joints lubricated, our muscles functional and our body fat percentage within reasonable limits. That's what we need for our bodies to be able to do what we need them to do.
Recently I've thought a lot about my other needs. My individual needs. The needs that make me the little person I am. Many of them I've figured out while living abroad or being off on my own. And here are my conclusions.
I need control Mostly of the future. To live in the now as we say here in Sweden, is just not my thing if I'm not granted that I know what's going on a month "from the now".
I need intellectual stimulance This is something I've figured out while being off doing other things. If I'm not allowed to use my brain, I'm not happy. And if I find out my brain isn't great enough, I hate myself.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is good for something In a way that's why I can't be happy right now. I love my school and my class, but it's not getting me anywhere and that gives me a huge deal an insecurity. That's also why I'm aspiring to be a doctor one day. My job would make a difference, and I'd know WHY I went in to work every morning.
I need love And I need it not to be far away in a distant town.
I need to live close to family Doesn't mean I need to see them all the time, no thanks, but I need to know they're there and that I can go see them when I want to.
I need to learn If I stop learning by the time I've finished school, why would I live?! If you can't get better at anything, what's the motivation to survive?
I, chilishly, need affirmation I estimate my own value in my acheivments. And so, if I'm not acheiving, I'm worthless. But I also need to feel that other people appreciate me. Cause if they don't, what am I doing here?
Well, I know many of these things will have to go to make me happy. But isn't the first step towards solving a problem to recognize that the problem is, in fact, a problem?
söndag 4 november 2007
I've had it
Why do I even bother?
My negativity and pessimism about life make people not want to be around me.
I'm digging myself a hole deeper than I'll ever climb out of..
But why would I not? What is there to give me some hope about the coming days?
I might as well flee to Africa. Start anew, and ridden the people that I know of me.
I'm realizing why my situation is the way it is..
I want to be that person who brightens the days of people. But I'm not.
I want to be that person that people share their thoughts with. But I'm not.
I'm just good for asking about school stuff, that I mostly don't even know.
Why am I? And when will I realize for real that the game is lost. It's impossible to go on from here. When nothing is postitive, how can one generate positivity?
I'll stay an unlikable person. A negative person. And I'll most likely die alone.
My negativity and pessimism about life make people not want to be around me.
I'm digging myself a hole deeper than I'll ever climb out of..
But why would I not? What is there to give me some hope about the coming days?
I might as well flee to Africa. Start anew, and ridden the people that I know of me.
I'm realizing why my situation is the way it is..
I want to be that person who brightens the days of people. But I'm not.
I want to be that person that people share their thoughts with. But I'm not.
I'm just good for asking about school stuff, that I mostly don't even know.
Why am I? And when will I realize for real that the game is lost. It's impossible to go on from here. When nothing is postitive, how can one generate positivity?
I'll stay an unlikable person. A negative person. And I'll most likely die alone.
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