A bump in the road

Being single isn't all that bad after all. I kind of enjoy the freedom of talking, looking and flirting. Like last night at dinner when I had a very handsome man at a table next to me who I kept getting eye contact with. Yes of course I'd like to be in a Sex and the city world where that man comes by to ask for my number at the end of the evening. But face it, I live in Stockholm and right now, I'm not that gorgeous.

Ever since my relationship ended, the thing I've fallen back on is that I've at least felt good about myself body wise. Like I've mentioned in earlier posts, I've had some trouble with self image, eating, exercising too much and those sorts of things. However, without noticing I lost some weight right around all this drama. So as I entered the single girl's world, I was down a couple of pounds and just felt more like myself and content for once. Halleluia! Being without those destructive thoughts, really has been a blessing, and I want to continue living like that.

BUT. And this is a big but. Actually a big butT, because due to a certain picture I've seen (at least I think that's what brought me back down to earth), I'm now back to very destructive chain of thoughts. My mission to just enjoy life, eat what I want during the summer, to later fall back into more healthy and regular habits, has failed. I'm NOT indifferent to the weight I've put on this summer because of my bad work hours, party nights and generous parents. I'm now back to wanting to shield myself from the world, skipping meals, not go to parties and just disappear. Or have lipo on my tummy and cut off about five inches from my hips. Take your pick.

Tonight I'm supposed to attend a party that I've been looking forward to for a while, I'm leaving for NYC in three days, and tomorrow I have a wedding to go to. Thus the social schedule is packed. As of right now I'd almost rather skip all of this, crawl into bed and just hide. I don't want to show people what I've let become of my body, and I know I'm crazy, because I'm nowhere close to overweight. But I don't feel like myself, I don't feel pretty, and I know that if I don't feel pretty, I'll not radiate self confidence and pretty and nobody will think I am any of those things, and I'm back to being boring.

I just pray I'll get out of this circle of thoughts fast. I've loved not thinking of what food I put into my mouth, wearing clothes that fit somewhat tight and still feel good and feeling like the exercising I'm doing is paying off. Life's for living, not counting calories..