The art of loving

Last night I read an article in a daily Swedish newspaper. It was bringing up the issue that Swedish people generally have a hard time loving themselves. I could nothing but agree with that. At the end of the article there was an unanswered question directed to the readers wondering why we have such a hard time loving ourselves. Here's my story.

I've been in love before. I love my family, I'd die for my sister, and I have certain friends that I'd definitely say I love. I've loved toys as a child, I've loved to dance, I still love to sing, to travel, to eat good foods, to watch the sunset. I'd even say I love going for walks. So, I don't have a hard time loving things. Despite all this, I can't seem to learn how to truly love myself.

When I was in elementary school I always came in second. I had a friend who was always the most popular girl in school. She was cuter, funner and just more seen than I was. As I passed on to middle school, I ended up in a class where the hierarchy was extremely pronounced. I could probably still list all the girls in my class and what "rank" they had. Obviously I wasn't among the top five. I was doing well in school, had ugly teeth, didn't drink - all of which were things that were frowned upon.

Hence I wasn't liked. I'd not say I was bullied, but I wasn't liked. I constantly felt that I needed to prove myself to all these people. So I turned to eating disorders of various types, because if I were skinnier, I'd be cuter and hotter and maybe they'd like me? But it never worked, so I kept going and going.

I also made a thing out of becoming a straight A student. Because, if I weren't hot, I'd at least be intelligent, and people would turn to me with questions about school. And what better way to prove this than to never ever fail at anything?

I'm still carrying all of this with me. I've proved my worth through achievments and approvals since the age of 10, and the only time I feel I am OK, is when somebody else tells me that I am You can imagine what being ditched by the guy you love does to a person like me, which is one of the reasons this spring has been a little difficult.

So what does one do to start loving oneself? To think that one is enough no matter what the relflexion in the mirror shows or what you score on a test? I'm working hard on figuring this out, and I hope that my moving to Uppsala will be a good start.